Fandemonium by Rick Schindler

Author:Rick Schindler [Schindler, Rick]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Wattle Publishing Ltd
Published: 2013-05-29T00:00:00+00:00

“Good day, sir, and welcome to the Olympia. How may I help you?”

“Me a-go see Omminy Starm.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Yuh eez hod? I ha’ fi bring sinting ta Omminy Starm. Is crucial bizness, mon.”

“Is there a problem here, William?”

“Ah, bit of a language barrier, Mr. Tillingwell. This gentleman—”

“Perhaps he’s Haitian. Parlez-vous Francais, monsieur?”

“’Im call me an’ say I was ta bring t’ing ta Omminy Starm. Is speshall delivery, ya nuh see?”

“Mr. Tillingwell, I think it’s Jamaican patois. A sort of dialect—”

“I know what a patois is, William. Apparently this gentleman has a delivery of hominy. For the kitchen, obviously. Sir, the service entrance is—”

“You damn logga head bud! I ha’ fi see Omminy Starm ’pon haste, or ya in big chobble!”

“…Maybe I better call security.”

“I’m handling this, William. Sir, I’m going to have to ask you—”

“Mr. Tillingwell?”

“Victoria, if you’ll excuse me, I’m trying to take care of this.”

“Mr. Tillingwell, begging your pardon, but I think he means Harmony Storm.”

“Who?”

“Harmony Storm, sir. The actress? She checked in earlier.”

“Yah, mon! I ha’ fi ta bring t’ing ta Omminy Starm. Is very impartant, seen?”

“Ah. Very well, sir, if you’ll leave your delivery with me, I’ll make certain it gets—”

“You num fi do dat, ya beenie mamma mon! I ha’ fi ta see Omminy Starm parsonal! Is crucial bizness, ya nuh see?”

“Sir, the Olympia does not permit messengers to disturb guests in their rooms. Now, if you’ll kindly leave your package with me—”

“Galang ’bout ya bizness, ya hitey-titey battybwoy! Me a-go ta collec’ my funds! If you chobble me, me a-go hit yah!”

“William. Call security.”

“Mr. Tillingwell—”

“What is it now, Victoria?”

“I have Ms. Storm on the line. She’d like to speak with you.”

“…Hello. This is Nelson Tillingwell, how may I… Madam, it is not the Olympia’s policy— I beg your pardon? Madam, I will be perfectly glad to have room service deliver your— where? Surely, madam, that’s uncalled-for... Yes, I do like my job. Yes, I do hear you. You don’t have to— Hello?”

“Me a-go ta Omminy Starm now, nuh true?”

“…William, it seems this… gentleman is expected. Kindly show him to room 1975.”

“No bodda, mon. More time.”

“Mr. Tillingwell, are you all right? You look a little—”

“I am perfectly well, William. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have duties to attend to in my office. I suggest you attend to yours.”

“Yes sir.”

“….Ha, ha! Poor nervous Nellie! ‘Parlais-vous Francais?’ Oh, shit—”

“The man was only trying to do his job, Vicki. This is what happens when you let actors in.”

“Oh, lighten up, Bill. You’re as bad as he is.”

“Obviously her drug dealer. I ought to call the police.”

“Oh, that’d be the icing on the cake. If you think Nellie’s upset now…”

“Next thing you know we’ll have hookers in here.”

“I thought she was a hooker when she came in.”

“You checked her in?”

“Checked them in.”

“Oh, don’t tell me her husband is here too. The rap singer?”

“No, she was alone.”

“…Oh. I get it. Big, huh?”

“I nearly lost an eye.”

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